Define: Spam

1. Unwanted electronic junk mail sent to multiple strangers.
   
2. A canned meat made largely from pork

My world is getting smaller.

Websites that I depend upon to help me slither through my working day are getting blocked by the company's evil Winged Avenger System Monkeys. And it's all the fault of filthy little spam scumballs.

Tonight I will get down on my knees and invoke the power of the Old God … the "Here's A Flood, Die Sinners! Die!" one ... to smite all evil-doers who deal in spam.

I want them to develop ... let's see ... a really nasty case of facial leprosy. I want them to feast from beasts infected with Creutzfeldt-Jakob Disease. I want them to have the embarrassing facial twitch and the children pointing and laughing at them.

I hate spam. Just in case you couldn't tell…

Traditionally, a list of the world's most hated professions looks something like this:

1. Traffic Wardens
   
2. Lawyers
   
3. Journalists
   
4. Bouncers
   
5. US Presidents

But, I reckon, in this Age of Internet, it's really more something like this:

1. Spammers
   
2. People who commission the spammers
   
3. Their offspring
   
4. Their friends
   
5. Their friends' friends
   
6. Etc...

The Evils of Spam have long been recognised:

Matthew 7:22-23, in the Bible says:

Many will come to me on That Day, and say:

"Lord, Lord, did we not spam in your name, and in your name, cast out much junkmail and perform much spamming?"

And I will tell them plainly: WTF?! I never said to do that! F.O.A.D.! Loser.

The Jewish Torah declares that spam is not kosher.

World War II only broke out because Hitler commissioned Morse Code spam offering people a great deal on a flag with a swastika symbol on it. The staff at the British Foreign Office were none to happy to receive it...

Ghandi went on a hunger strike because the British were trying to spam him.

And of course, in recent times, George W Bush invaded Iraq after his "intelligence" sources said Saddam Hussein was in possession of Weapons of Mass Spam.

I hate seeing the comments pages on good sites sullied by spam.

I hate trying to read the comments page on a good site, only to find my company's evil Winged Avenger System Monkeys have blocked it, because some goon put p0R-n links there.

What we need is for someone to form a vigilante posse to track down these goons, knock on their door, fling monkey poos in their face and leave a burning computer monitor on their front lawn. KAPOW! Yeah.

I believe in Getting What You Deserve. So think of it this way, Spam Miscreant. For every spam message you send - that's one pound of monkey poo in your face. Unnatural Universal Justice shall prevail in the end, you betcha.

Oh, and there's also an order of facial leprosy coming your way.

Now, shall we discuss those marketing survey people who call just as you're sitting down to eat dinner..?