"There are no jokes. The truth is the funniest joke of all."
Well, I guess all three of my readers are now accounted for, so we may as well turn over the Truth or Damned Outright Lie™ cards.
It’s funny. After all my talk in the previous blog about being an Embellisher of Truths, I decided to trawl through my massive backlog of postings and discovered that I had been nothing but entirely honest. Well, mostly. Except for that bit about being a liar. But I reserve the right to distort the truth in future, should my reality start to bore/scare me.
Technically, almost everything on the list was a lie. And, technically, everything on the list was the truth. It’s all about how you look at things.
Anyway, enough of that, let’s get started:
I have a black belt in Things Deadly, but I haven’t trained in years, so does that put me in the Was or Am camp? It has come in useful. Especially when someone comes at you with a Samurai sword during a “Zippo” lighter dispute in Bangkok. But I fully expect that someday I will get the crap kicked out of me for flinging monkey poos in the Wrong Person’s face.One soul does not make a collection. But I do have backorders for other requested souls on my “to buy” list.
A year ago a coworker owed me some money and couldn’t pay the interest. So he signed over his soul in default. I recently remembered that I still possessed the soul, so I decided to make some money out of it. I split ownership into 10 shares and sold them off. I made $12. Two weeks ago the coworker nearly got eaten by a giant mako shark whilst swimming off Great Barrier Island. His making it safely to the shore meant we didn’t get a day off work to grieve, but the value of his Soul Shares has increased dramatically since.
I have been having second thoughts about the soul-dealing business after the Dark Lord Satan sent some Hired Goons around to talk to me. He’s all pissy because he thinks I’m infringing on his turf. But I just acted all dumb and said the only soul I was trading were my old Motown records.- I once stumbled upon a dope plantation, pulled the plants out, took them to police.
Ah yes, the foolishness of youth.
Technically, it was a mate who discovered the plantation. We were having a dry cowdung fight and he tripped and rolled down a bank and through the chicken wire fence protecting the crop. I was young and idealistic and furious that someone had violated my land in this way. We pulled them all out and I gave them to my father and he took them to the police. I think. He said he did …- I once stumbled upon a dope plantation, pulled the plants out, relocated them to another site, harvested them, had lots of friends that year.
You don’t get a second chance at something like this. No, this is how one of my younger brothers acted when faced with the same situation a couple of years later. Yes, he did have lots of friends that year...- J-Lo is a talented actress.
Puh-leez.
Jennifer Lopez would make a talented crack-whore.I remember the first time I saw her in a music video. All the guys in the pub stopped drinking and just gazed slack-jawed at the big screen TV. I couldn’t work out what they saw in her. She Ain’t All That and she sure as hell can’t act. Sure, if I was like really, really drunk or had gone blind in a tragic monkey poo misfire incident, then, sure, maybe I’d shag her. But I’d be pretending she was someone else the whole time.
She ain’t Street. She’s a geek. If she wrote a blog, it would be called "diarydork". And, if she did write an online journal, that would only prove that she was a geek. Oh, hang on …
(If you got here through Google, expecting the J-Lo Fan Club, a crack-whore site, or diarydork.com, then I apologize. If you got here expecting to find stuff saying how great Jennifer Lopez is, then I do not).
- I am possibly very drunk at this very moment.
Glasses of beer on my website, hellllooooo!
Actually, I had been drinking, but very drunk? No.
I’d had 8 beers at a corporate schmooze party.
Had it been 10 pints of Guinness, interspersed with whisky chasers … or a couple of bottles of my own special brand of home brew …well, that would be a different story. Probably a much more interesting story…
Are you freakin’ kah-razy?! Have you been reading my stuff? Actually… The Missus does read this shite. It was easier than trying to explain why I was spending so much time on the Net, and she started to become suspicious when I would just reply, “Nothing … just looking at porn”.
She read one post and said: “Lesbians, huh? Yep, that sounds like you”. She reckons I should rename my blog ‘Diarydork’. She’s very supportive.
What all this means is that I will not be taking cheap shots at my wife. All shots will cost me very dearly later.
She has red hair. She has learned to deal with my daily quota of crap over the years by trying to beat it out of me. Enough said.
