Reasons why I probably won't be winning many parenting awards this year:
I’m beginning to lose faith in television.For the past 16 months, I’ve felt like a failed parent because my baby daughter has shown complete contempt for TV. She couldn’t give a flying pig-dog’s ass what a Teletubby was, whether Blue would ever find her Clues, or which Hi 5 chick daddy likes best.
But then, earlier this month, I found her glued to the TV.
I managed to prise her free about 10 minutes later. I don’t know when her eyebrows will grow back, but, miracle of miracles, she now loves watching the television. Which means TV is now my tireless substitute-babysitter.
I know what you’re thinking: “What a good idea, D-Man. That’ll put an end to all her whining about wanting food, or having her nappy changed. Leave you free to drink beer and stuff”.
Well, let me just say … sometimes good ideas grow up to be bad ones that break into your liquor cabinet, get drunk and shave the cat just for kicks.
Yes … all was going well and I was on the way back to the TV room after getting another beer, when I heard this agitated high-pitched squawking. I rushed in, and there on the TV were two monkeys. Humping. Oh, and I’m pretty sure they were both male monkeys, so two gay monkeys. HUMPING.
Some moron head of programming at TVNZ decided to put a zoo program called Monkey Business on during prime children’s viewing time. And it has Gay Humping Monkeys. Not That There’s Anything Wrong With That … but, Dude! If kids and Michael Jackson don’t mix, then why kids and Gay Humping Monkeys? Or even Hetero Humping Monkeys for that mater?
I don’t know how other parents throughout the country are explaining the Male Birds And The Bees, And The Other Male Birds And The Bees story to their children, but I feel very thankful that my daughter is still young and not yet able to string together enough words to form a sentence that begs: “Daddy, why did that boy monkey get stuck trying to play leap frog with the other boy monkey?”.
Arrrggh.
I was thinking, surely this must just be some one-off random monkey p0rn thing that slipped through the censors. So this afternoon I snuck another peak at Monkey Business.
There were no male-monkey-loving male-monkeys. No, instead they show a girl monkey going to a gynaecologist (wtf?) to get a contraceptive coil inserted.
And I‘m thinking: WHY BOTHER? THE MALE MONKEYS ARE TOO BUSY HUMPING EACH OTHER OVER THERE IN THE CORNER – THERE’S NO RISK OF HER GETTING PREGNANT!
Last week my daughter had her first run-in with the police.
The Missus wouldn’t take her to the store to get out her favourite video. Baby Girl kicked up a stink and stormed off. The next thing we knew, there’s a sound of crashing cars and police sirens in the street.
Turns out my daughter stole our keys and then drove the car down to the video store by herself. The shop was shut, so she drove back again. A cop car noticed our car weaving all over the road, and gave chase. Baby Girl didn’t stop until she got home, where she crashed into the neighbour’s car. She then put the car in reverse and smashed into the cops. And then gave them The Finger.
I tell you, it was a hairy situation. But the cops have given us the benefit of the doubt. They reckon I may have subconsciously taught her to drive after hot-wiring cars and driving away with her on my lap.
But I reckon that’s a load of crap. I blame TV. But it’s still the best baby-sitter we’ve ever had.
God Bless you TV, even despite all your flea-infested Monkey P0rn Stars.
