"I’m not a smart man,
But I know what love is…”
Heaps of things go over my head. Like warning shots and police helicopters.
There’s plenty that I simply Just Don’t Get. Take sucking eggs, for example.
People are always saying “I’m not trying to tell you how to suck eggs”, or “Are you trying to teach me how to suck eggs?”
But, the thing is, I have no idea how to suck eggs. I can’t even imagine a single scenario where I would ever even want, or need, to suck an egg.
I WANT someone to tell me how to suck eggs. Sure, I know how to blow an egg to get rid of the yolk and the egg white, leaving a shell that you can half-fill with metal filings, which you can later throw in the face of an Officer-In-Pursuit, but sucking an egg? Why? How? Huh?
(“Dude, He just said he *blows* eggs…”)
Another thing I don’t get is Why (?) - just because I have a baby - you feel the need to involve me in a detailed conversation about every single one of your baby’s bowel movements for the past fortnight. (!) Sure, I might be sitting there nodding my head and appearing to be interested in this faecal matter, but that’s just because I am a gentleman.
The reality is that inside the privacy of my own skull, I am secretly visualising smothering you to death with one of your baby’s soiled nappies…
Why are kids so cruel?Why did that 3-year-old have to enquire “MUMMY, WHY DOES THAT MAN HAVE NO HAIR?!” at maximum decibel limit in a crowded campground? I wanted to yell back that NO, STUPID CHILD, this was a HAIR-STYLE, that I CHOOSE to shave my head, that it has NOTHING to do with my hair finding my face so repulsive that it is trying to get as far away from it as possible.
Instead, I broke down in tears and ran away…
OK, last one:The Easter Bunny? What’s up with that? I’ve seen a few bunnies in my time, but I’ve never seen one of them lay an egg. Chickens do that. Not bunnies. Bunnies produce things that look like little chocolate pebbles, but I can tell you for a fact that they are not chocolate at all.
I started to think that maybe the whole “sucking eggs” comment referred to Easter Eggs. But that is just crazy talk. You don’t waste time sucking chocolate eggs. You consume them in one gluttonous gulp, so that you can get the next one in.
