I'd like to take this opportunity to state for the record, once and for all, that I did not have sexual relations with those sheep.

Sure, sometimes I do like to sleep with sheep. But I just take them to bed with me at night to keep me warm. And test my self-control. Just like Ghandi with girls. Yet no-one ever called him a Sick Bastard. Go figure…

For some reason, people tend to link the words "New Zealand" with "have sex with sheep".

Investigations commissioned by the New Zealand Government revealed that this is due to a smear campaign initiated by Australia – despite the fact that those Kangaroo Loving Cricket Cheats have waaay more sheep than us. The Aussies are just jealous though, because we're better lovers. We treat our sheep with the respect they deserve.



There are currently about 45 million sheep in NZ. That's about 12 sheep for every New Zealander. So your chances of scoring on a Saturday night are pretty high.

But back in the Golden Fleece Days, about 20 years ago, things used to be better. Back then there used to be 22 sheep per person. In recent times a lot of sheep have left the country though, looking for greener pastures overseas.
Plenty more sheep in the flock though …



Having all those sheep has caused our country problems though.
For one, the little flockers fart a lot.
And when they fart, they release a lot of methane. Methane gas that is adding greatly to the greenhouse effect, which in turn is melting the polar caps and potentially bringing forward The End Of The World.

But we've got scientists looking into the issue and they believe they may be able to install some sort of fartalytic converter into sheep rectums to limit emissions.

Of course, there's a flip side to the sheeploads of damage these farts are causing the planet. It's like the saying goes: "You've got to shag sheep while the sun doesn't shine."

Our country is somewhat defenceless, military-wise. Our Airforce consists of six guys in hang gliders. Three of them have pistols. The rest have slingshots. If any terrorists try hijacking a plane in our airspace, the plan is that these guys will get as close as possible and try shooting down a high-flying seagull in the hope that they will fall and get sucked into one of the plane's engines, thus eliminating the threat.

But the government has started to realise that, in this day and age of crazy, pissed-off extremists, we may need more than that.
So they have commissioned my company to create NZ's first Weapon Of Mass Destruction. Well, make that Weapon of Mass Flatulence. I can't say too much for fear of jeopardising the project, but suffice it to say, it involves dyspeptic sheep, duct tape and a hang glider.

Here's a pic of our Prime Minister Helen Clark and one of the WOMF sheep. I forget which one the Prime Minister is…

But the brilliance doesn't stop there. I'm an ideas person. That's what I do. My latest idea is to develop a sheepfart-powered car. No, stay with me here, this is brilliant.

You stick three sheep in the boot of your car and hook them up to something resembling a CNG/LPG system. Their methane emissions are enough to power the car.
If you're on the road and running low on gas, you cellphone a stock truck, which pulls out in front and refuels you while you drive. Just like they do with airplanes in midair.

Also, instead of pulling into a petrol station to get petrol… and let's face it, petrol is the key cause of so many of the world's problems… instead of getting petrol, you'd open the boot, chuck out your dry-fart sheep and get a couple of fresh ones. It's Brilliant.
I'll get a Nobel Peace Prize for this, for sure!

Hey, did you hear that Kiwi farmers have found a new use for sheep? They call it WOOL.

Q. How did the farmer find his sheep in the long grass?
A. Very satisfying

Q. What do Kiwi Blokes use as an aphrodisiac?
A. Mint Sauce

Q. Why were women invented?
A. Cuz sheep can't cook

Q. What is the advantage of having a sheep for a girlfriend?
A. She does not mind if you screw her sister

Q. Why do NZ racehorses run so fast?
A. Cuz they have seen what gets done to the sheep

Q. What is the smallest organ in a sheep?
A. A farmer's penis

Q. What do you call a kiwi farmer with a sheep under one arm, and a chicken under the other?
A. Bi-sexual

A Kiwi and an Aussie are riding through the sheep country when they discover a sheep with its head stuck in a fence. The Kiwi gets off his horse, strides over to the sheep, shags it, and them gets back on his horse. He looks at the Aussie who is staring at him and says "Sorry mate, do ya wanna go too?" "Alright," says the Aussie and gets off his horse, walks over to the fence, looks back at the Kiwi and asks "Do I have to put my head in the fence?"