Rumours of my death are greatly anticipated.

There's only so many sick days you can take before people start stealing your office stationary.

This is not a good thing, because it's hard enough grabbing enough goodies from the stationary cupboard to sell on the black market, without having to replace shit that I actually need to do my job.

So here I am. Off my death bed. Protecting my pens.

Chicks can be so cruel about how wussy men get when they get a cold. They don't seem to realise that we're like Superheros, and a cold to us is like Kryptonite to Superman. One minute we're out leaping through TV channels in a single remote control click, and then - Cue the Sniffles and Sore Throat – we're on our deathbeds. Snivelling like a baby. The world is ending. Boo Hoo.

If an upper respiratory tract infection is my Kryptonite, then my baby daughter is the Kryptonite creator.

Babies are always getting bugs. It's what they do, in addition to making a general mess and trying to drink your home brew when you back is turned. The problem is, they cultivate those bugs into Super Bugs and then pass them on to parents. Parents, who, until this baby entered their lives, rarely got sick. Must have missed that in the fine print before I signed up…

Freaky. Wolverine is the same age as me. He made his first shadowy cameo in the month and year I was born.

We share many similarities:
He was partly the by-product of a freak military experiment; I'm a freak.
He has metal-laced bones; People keep asking me whether I have a metal plate in my head. He has a hairy face; I can't be arsed shaving.

Also, I could totally see myself saying these lines:

(Cyclops thinks Wolverine may be the shape-shifting mutant Mystique)
Wolverine: Hey, hey - it's me!
Cyclops: Prove it.
Wolverine: You're a dick.
Cyclops: Okay.

Wolverine is certainly better than the real life alter-ego I have spent decades cultivating:

Hero name: D-Man.

Superpowers:

• Faster than Google (when it comes to leaving work on the dot)
  
• Can make beer

Super weaknesses:

• The Common Cold.
  
• Lazy. Couldn't be arsed creating own theme song, so simply stole Batman's and changed it to: "Na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, na, D-man!"
  Couldn't be arsed creating own chest emblem, so stole Danger Mouse's "DM".
  
  
• Likes to drink beer.