I was told to cut back on alcohol and chocolate and this So Freaked Me Out, that I could instantly feel my blood pressure rising and then there was this strange thumping sound in my ears, which I later realised was my brain trying to shoulder-barge its way out of my skull in an attempt to find a new body which would still be able to continue to give it all the Feel-Good Stimulus that only alcohol and chocolate can provide. If my skull weren't so thick, it might just have succeeded…

Cut back on chocolate and alcohol? Why don't you just put me in a comatose, vegetative state, and then remove my feeding tube?

All this stemmed from a cholesterol test I took last week. The only reason I did it was because I recently had to see the doctor for something completely unrelated. Despite having an appointment, I had to wait an hour and a half for a diagnosis that LITERALLY took 4.5 seconds. The doctor felt so bad that I had been forced to wait so long and was going to have to pay $45 for something that LITERALLY took 4.5 seconds, that she said "Hey, why don't we check your blood pressure? And while we're at it, why don't you get your money's worth and get a cholesterol test done as well?"

I agreed because I thought it would be worth a laugh. I have a healthy diet. I exercise. I cycle every day. I'm (no longer) overweight. I don't smoke (cigarettes). I don't drink (as much as I used to). When I do those How Do You Rate diet questionnaires, I always score an "Excellent". Because I am Excellent. I am The Man.

Which is why I was most confused and alarmed when I got a NZ Heart Foundation Food Guide pamphlet from my doctor's clinic in the mail on the weekend. A handwritten note from a nurse informed me that "this should help with controlling your cholesterol".

The Food Guide had a Check Out The Fat questionnaire. I did it. I scored "Excellent".

I rang up and spoke to the clinic. Surely there was some mistake. I'm Excellent …

I was told that my LDL (bad) cholesterol level was high and my HDL (good) cholesterol was low. I would need to cut back on a bunch of stuff including alcohol and chocolate. I would also need to go out and ensure I bought only "low-fat diet brands".

I hung up in a state of shock. I could hear a strange thumping sound in my ears …

Anyway, I started to think about this some more. I'm Excellent, you see, so there's No Freakin' Way I had high cholesterol. This was clearly a conspiracy by the Low-Fat Diet Food Brands Association. I suspected that they were offering kickbacks to doctors and nurses for each cholesterol test they faked.

The Conspiracy was confirmed this morning after I spent a few minutes educating myself with a little help from my friends, Mr Internet and Mr Pocket Medical Dictionary, before calling my doctor.

The nurse had read my results wrong. I have low LDL (bad) cholesterol, which is good. My HDL (good) cholesterol is only ever so slightly below Optimal, which is also fine. The nurse who originally gave me the results was fired after they discovered she was accepting kickbacks from the Low-Fat Diet Food Brands Association…