“How can one man have so many enemies?”
“I'm a people person... who drinks.”

Those that are on my They Hate Me List get a Christmas card each December.

This has the effect of making some of the recipients think “Hey, he’s not really so bad after all”. And I no longer have an enemy.

The rest get so incensed by this simple annual act that they fly into a fit of rage and smash up every window in their house, whilst cursing my name. And I laugh and laugh and laugh. Because I’m sadistic like that.

Everyone has a nemesis.

Bush has Bin Laden. Homer has Flanders. Superman had Lex Luthor. John had Yoko. Elvis had ice cream and chocolate chip cookies.

Mine is a short, bald guy at work.

I don’t know what I’ve ever done to him, but every time our paths cross, he totally Gives Me The Evils. And I, in reply, just stare back, visualising his head spontaneously combusting and his eyeballs popping out. And stuff.

We have never spoken to each other.
I know that he is not like this with other people.

If this sort of thing happened outside of work, say at a pub, you could expect an encounter similar to this:

Nemesis gives me The Evils. I give him The Evils back.

He approaches and says:
“What are you looking at?”

I reply: “Dunno. Shit ain’t labelled”.

Then I beat him senseless with the complete weekend edition of the New Zealand Herald.

While he is twitching and convulsing on the floor, I bend down and whisper:“See, the paper really is full of bad news these days”.

Then I’d laugh and laugh and laugh…

I’ve always assumed that sooner or later all this Exchanging Of Evils would end in a caged fight to the death.

Until this morning, that is.

I’d locked up my bicycle and then went to get into the building and discovered I’d left my wallet at home. Which meant I’d also left the security card that I need to get me into the building at home.

So I hung around the entrance waiting for someone else to turn up and let me in.
Then I saw the short bald guy pull up.

Nothimnothimnothim, I prayed.

He got out of the car. Came to the door and opened it.

“Good morning”, I said.

He didn’t reply. But he did keep the door open for me. And, for the first time ever, he didn’t Give Me The Evils.

Maybe this is the beginning of a beautiful non-fatal non-friendship…