Pop goes your eardrums ...
I think I’ve come up with the perfect solution to my current Stupid Psycho Drivers Keep Trying To Run Me Down situation: Bubble Wrap.
If I clothe myself in enough bubble wrap, it’ll be as good as wearing a suit of armour while cycling. Plus, I’ll be able to pop a few lines of wrap if I get bored*.
Just so long as I don’t look as dumb as these two dicks:
OR … I could just get rid of the bike altogether and Zorb to work instead.
Zorbing is another of NZ’s great inventions, up there with bungee jumping and the electric fence.
You climb inside this enormous, clear plastic, air-cushioned human hamster ball, then launch yourself off mountains and roll and bounce your way to the bottom.
The company that invented it says it’s proof that “New Zealand once again leads the world in stupid things to do while you're not thinking about work.”
The only downside I can see in Zorbing to work would be … well, if I did get hit by a car I’d be safe and everything, but I probably wouldn’t stop bouncing for at least 50km, which would mean I’d be on the other side of the city by time I came to a stop. Which would be somewhat inconvenient.
* D-Man Bites Dog would like to point out that bubble wrap is not a toy. Daz from work popped some too close to his ear the other day and he now has tinnitus.
And yet, I still find that totally hilarious...
(Oh, when I say "clothe myself in bubble wrap", I mean I will, of course, be wearing it over my clothes. Naked Bubble Wrap Time is strictly for the bedroom.
I normally call D-Missus “babe” when I’m at home. But lately I’ve discovered that by instead using “baby”, I can say goodnight to the wife, my daughter, and the Unborn Something all in one go. Now that’s word economy for you.
A little while ago, my dad gave me a tin of No Frills budget brand home brew that had been sitting around in a cupboard. It was past its recommended use-by date. Seeing as I don’t like to make it a habit to refuse free beer, I took it and brewed it. Last night I had my first bottle and, despite expectations, it did not taste like shit. It was pretty damn good.
This means one of two things:Either I am a Goddamn beer brewing genius
OR
All my home brew actually tastes like shit, but I’m so used to it that I no longer know the difference.
Oh, and remember how I was all paranoid and stuff about being caught up in an internet scam involving singer-songwriter Bud Buckley and a joke-email-sending-firm called CD Baby? Well, turns out I really was just being paranoid.My copy of the Bud Buckley CD, Feel My Love, arrived in the mail yesterday. It’s good. It has monkeys on the cover.
Now, D-Man Bites Dog does not normally give endorsements, but I recommend you go to Bud’s site and have a listen to some of his songs. Try Jacob’s Hurricane. Gives a different spin on life during a natural disaster.
Here’s an lyrical extract:
Jake heard a hurricane is comin' and he should run for his life
He said, "I got bigger problems. Something's comin' for my wife
So go board up your windows or flee your mobile home
'Cause my darlin's trapped in bed, sick to the bone."
Well Jacob's not afraid of a hurricane
But he's afraid he'll never see her again.
He can put up with damage and financial ruin
But he doesn't know what he'd do without her,
He'd be lost and useless without her
So bring on the hurricane.
(Please note - this was an unpaid celebrity endorsement. That's because I sent a bill for it to Bud Buckley, but he so far has not paid it. Bud, a reminder notice is on the way...)
Ohhhh, Hahahahaha!!!One of the systems monkeys just banged his head real hard while poking around under someone’s desk!
My nasal passages now have third-degree burns after ejecting coffee out of them while trying (unsuccessfully) to suppress a sadistic laugh.
Buwaahahaa!!!
God, I'm evil.
