“I hate hippies! I mean, the way they always talk about ‘protectin' the earth’ and then drive around in cars that get poor gas mileage and wear those stupid bracelets - I hate 'em! I wanna kick 'em in the nuts!”
I may be about to do something I’m not very proud of.
I think I’m going to vote for hippies in the General Election on September 17.
Yeah, I know. Shocking.
I’ve never really been a big fan of hippies.
They smell bad, they eat way too many lentils and they’re always protesting about how the rest of us should be doing our bit for the planet by eating lentils and not bathing regularly.
They’re so chilled-out, that sometimes I just want to bash them to near-death with an internal combustion engine.
That said, I do have a soft spot for their biscuits. I have no idea why. They don’t look anything special. But from that first bite, I just feel … good.
But while a vote for the hemp-suit-wearing Pot Heads may make me feel dirty in the short term, perhaps it will be something I am proud of down the track. It’s all about thinking about our environmental future.
As opposed to the other parties who are throwing out the predictable tax cut bribes in an attempt to get in and fuck around with our economy and the social fabric of our society.
I can’t bring myself to vote for the Right.
The leader of the National party wants to confiscate poor people’s babies and sell them to rich Americans in an attempt to help fund all the tax cuts he’s promising.
He also wants to ghettoize everyone who isn’t white. But he’s not racist, apparently, because his wife is Asian.
Also, he wants to sell crack to school kids.
The Green Smelly Hippy Party, on the other hand, want to grow more trees.
This fits in perfectly with my plan to level the city of Auckland and build an Ewok city.
So, pass the cookies on the left hand side …
Oh, in other hippy-related issues: the Oil Crisis.
Yes, this has far-reaching economic effects, but I still can’t help smiling smugly as I ride my bicycle in to work, looking at all the motorists burning all that precious $1.60 /L petrol as they sit at the lights, and thinking Suffer. In. Your. Jocks.
In The News: “Barbara Bush, the former first lady and the President's mother, courted controversy by pointing out that many of the people forced out of their homes by Hurricane Katrina "were underprivileged anyway so this is working very well for them".
WTF? If this isn’t absolute proof of inbreeding in the El Busho family, I don’t know what is.
Limerwreck Contest:Singer-songwriter Bud Buckley just held a Rude Towns In Britain Limerick Contest, where people had to write a limerick using at least two of the rude British place names.
I won a copy of his CD, Feel My Love, with:
There once was a girl from Titty-Ho
With titties so big, they hung so low.
They gave lots of joy
To the Juggs Close boys
But in winter they dragged in the snow.
I already own a copy of his CD. I play it regularly and love every song.
I plan to set this copy free, so it can circulate and hopefully build a fan base here so he can tour Down Under some day.
I suck at limericks, though. I’m not very good at writing to formula (9-9-5-5-9).
Look what happens when I try to write a Haiku (5-7-5):
And, geez, love songs? They always come out sounding anything but. For example:
“Your love is a crushing weight on my soul
I can't breathe, but I don't want you to go.
I can't feel my legs and I'm too weak to beg,
So baby,
Smother me now.
Put the pillow right over my mouth.
I won't fight; you've got me pinned down.
I'm content, so smother me now…”
See what I mean?
In other internet-sourced music shout-outs, I’d like to make a special one for Deni Bonet, from Last Girl On Earth. I recently purchased two of her albums, Bigger Is Always Better, and Accoustic OK?, through her website and was totally blown away.
She rocks.
She also has some violin solo pieces, which I also love.And cool lyrics. For example:
" I can drive you insane
But you already are
I can drive you far away
And leap from your moving car
As I lie by the side of the road waiting for the man
You'll be speeding all confused..."
She has a new album due out soon, which I can't wait to get. One of the songs, Fuck It, (unless she changes it and releases it as Stuff It) goes:
"I don't need drugs,
I don't need help,
I'll fuck it all up
By myself..."
Go check her out as well. Now.
The little monkey that is my daughter climbed up onto the table yesterday and pretty much picked all the keys off my laptop.
I was able to painstakingly put them back on, but I now have to practically smash shit out of the L button just to get it to work.
It is hell writing L…
D-Man Secret #42:
The real reason I hate hippies so much?
They have more hair than me. :(
Bastards.
Hairy-hippy freakin' bastards.
