“Politics is the art of controlling your own environment.”
It looks like we may be close to seeing a new government formed, several weeks after a General Election was held here.
Golem's I Hates Hobbits party is said to be considering a coalition deal with the Middle Earth League of Midgets, in return for recognised ownership of some precious jewellery and a ministerial position in charge of the Department of Hobbit Affairs.
I'm still a little sore that no-one bothered to vote for me.
How fricken hard can it be to get into power these days?
I mean, we've got a transsexual MP. And we've got some of those gays in power, as well as Asians and even some of those dark-skinned people. And hippies. And farmers.
And, shock horror, we've even got women in the corridors of power. They've been running the country for the past decade (shock-horror)!
But no D-Man.
Perhaps if I had a sex change ...
The Powers That Be even granted voting rights to a Jack Russell terrier, but he couldn't even be bothered turning up and voting in the end.
That could have been MY vote.
Everyone knows I love animals.
Stupid dog.
Whatever.
I thought my policies were sound:
- Build a big fortress around NZ to keep the Eskimos out and safeguard NZ for NZers.
- Focus on developing sheep-fart powered cars with an aim to phasing out those powered by oil derivatives.
- Level the city of Auckland, replace it with native forest, build an Ewok village.
- Focus on developing Genetic Engineering technologies so we can also build Ewoks to go in the villages.
- Manufacture a solitary Weapon of Mass Destruction that America would then pressure us to destroy, in return for a hefty financial aid package, would be used to ensure that...
- ...Nobody has to work on Mondays.
Some have since suggested that one of the key factors in my political failure was that people of deeply religious sensitivities may have confused my party, The D-Man Worshippers Party, with the Demon Worshipping Party.
Which, come to think of it, might also explain why that church I once tried to start up also failed miserably...
Others say they just found me plain offensive.
To which, I reply:
Fuck You, New Zealand.
Right. In. The. Ear.
