I’ve been called a lot of names in my time:

• Arrogant
  
• Bumptious
  
• Charlatan
  
• Smug
  
• South African

But I’m not really so bad, once you get to know me.

Sure, people might think I’m conceited.
But that’s just cos they’re jealous of the fact that I’m always right.

And, sure, it might seem like I run around going I Told You So an awful lot, but that’s just because people’s memories are crap and I want them to ensure they don’t repeat their mistakes.
So they need to be told.
Because I care that much.

I’m an altruistic type at heart.
I mean, I cared enough about that baby dolphin to rescue it from a fisherman’s net, take it home, then try and sell it on the internet.
Is it my fault that none of you cheap cyberspace bastards wanted to part with a measly NZ$10,000 to save its life?

And is it my fault, that, while I was patiently waiting for someone/anyone to make me a serious offer, that the Dolphin Liberation Front was able to rally troops and break into my bathroom and steal the fish creature and release it back into the sea, where it promptly got eaten by a killer whale.
No. Not at all.

I am a very humble and private person who does not like talking about himself. No, I do not.
D-Man likes privacy. And I am very humble. And I do not like talking about myself. Myself. Me. D-Man. In the third person. Himself.

Yet, I would be lying if I said this name calling didn’t get to me sometimes. It starts to make you think that you’re not so great and fucking fabulous after all.

But then I discovered this Advertising Slogan Generator through Herstrionic’s site. I entered my name and I gotta say, the results left me in no doubt as to my greatness:

But I decided to call it a day, when it started to come back with:

Eek.

More proof that people worship me.

Get your own congregation with a Church Sign Generator.

I tell you what, posting this crap is so much easier than actually having to write something intelligent.
Here’s something else I stole. (From The Wired Jafa's site:

Go to Google, type in "(your name) needs" - include the quotation marks - and check out the results.

I got:

“D-man needs some pampering”

“D-man needs down time”

“D-man needs and desires (Censored)ing and (censored)ing at least a dozen times in positions and locations…”

“D-Man needs a SAVIOR! He needs God.”

“D-Man Needs God To Reveal His Eternal Plan of Redemption”

Stupid internet. Doesn’t it realise that I Am the Center of the Universe?!

D-Man needs a beer…

I got in to work On Time today.
What’s up with that?

My boss was off work yesterday.
I spread a rumour that she was hungover. That she’s a drunkard.

I think I then went on to quote from Adam Sandler’s Talking Goat:

“That piss-cock drunk? She lives her life in an alcoholic haze!”.

Someone told her what I said when she returned to work today.

But by engaging my Special Powers Of Lying My Ass Off, I have managed to convince her that The Nark was in fact the person spreading that rumour and that I was as shocked as she was to hear it. Shocked!

Suffer In Your Jocks, stupid tell-tale engineer...

Letter to the Editor, NZ Road Cycling Magazine:

Dear Sir,

I have a question regarding cycling etiquette.

Last night I was riding home from work and another cyclist passed me.
I’m guessing he was a professional rider, judging by the sponsored gear he was wearing.

As he shot past, he slapped me on the arse.

My reaction was one of such abject horror, that I probably have a new contender for my use of the phrase “I’ve never been so shocked in all my life!”

I’m just wanting to check that this isn’t some New Thing that competitive road riders do when passing other cyclists.

Because it seems kinda gay…

Signed,

D-Man needs you to keep your hands off his ass. Seriously.