I've always wanted to possess people's souls.

Two years ago, I got the chance to own another human being's spirit.

A COWorker borrowed some money from me.

He was slow paying it back. And before too long he had also racked up a substantial amount in usury charges.

He couldn't pay the interest, so I made him another offer: Either he pay back the interest (which by that stage was incurring interest on top of interest) by the end of the week OR he sign over the rights to his soul.

Much to my delight, he went for the second option.

We drew up a contract on a Postit note and he signed his name in blood, thus completing the soul transaction, as is recognised by International Soul Trading & Usury laws.

It was kind of cool afterwards watching him squirm voodoo-styles every time I crumpled the contract into a ball in my hand and pretended to eat it.

A common feature of people who sell their souls is that automatic doors refuse to open for them. We have a lot of them at work. It was also pretty cool watching him try to deal with that little problem as well. In the end he had to buy a helper monkey to walk in front of him, just so the door would detect a soul and open.

I always thought it would be useful to own someone else's soul. I mean, what if one day I meet the devil at some crossroads and he offers me the chance to obtain some Awesome Talent in exchange for my soul:

Me: "Weeeell, that sounds like a good deal. I always wanted to be a kick-ass guitar player like Jimmy Page, but I'm kinda attached to my own soul. I can, however, offer you this other soul that I picked up along way…"

Satan: "Why would I be interested in this other soul, hairy-armed mortal?"

Me: "Well, his name is Christian..."

Satan: "DEAL!".

Then I was thinking, what if I did trade the COWorker soul and did become this really awesome guitar player? I can't sing for shit. So it would be kinda good if I could get some vocal ability thrown into the mix as well. That would require another soul.

So I set up Soul Gatherers Inc.

But after the first COWorker’s helper monkey went nuts and flung dung throughout the office, it's been real hard trying to find other suckers poor souls people to do business with.

So, as a little PR exercise for SG-Inc, I decided to split the COWorker's soul into 10 shares and sell them off.

I photocopied the original soul, then went around the office with 10 copies. Some colleagues were dubious as to whether a photocopy could be seen as legal tender part-ownership of a soul, but I simply pointed out to them that every time you let someone take your photograph, the camera steals a little bit of your soul. Same thing with a photocopier.

Some were also worried that the trading of souls was all just a little bit, well, evil. I was able to allay those fears with a smile and a “Trust Me”.

I made $12 from the total sale. Despite giving one share away to some chick from the internet.
I spent all the profit on chocolate. It was tasty.

Last week one of the shareholders left the company. She wanted to sell her share.
Fierce bidding ensued and she ended up selling her 10 per cent holding for $10!
That means my COWorker's complete soul has suddenly jumped in value from $12 to $100!

Shareholders are now patting themselves on the back and calling me stupid for selling the soul for so little in the first place.

But what they don't realise is that I still possess the original contract. I carry it around in my wallet.
And having that is like possessing the One Ring To Rule All Rings.
It is: My. Precious.

Buwahahahaaaa!
Who's stoopid now, huh?

Anyway, I almost bagged my second soul yesterday.

Another COWorker was stupid enough to borrow money from me and agree to forfeit his soul if he was unable to pay the interest charges.
He was unable.
I went around to his desk to collect his soul, and guess what? He's filed for spiritual bankruptcy.
Wanker!

So I had to break his kneecaps instead.

So…. Any of yous guys interested in parting with your soul?

It doesn't have to be a cash transaction. I can offer you some very tender and extremely rare baby dolphin meat, for example.