I'm smarter than the average bear.

In fact, I'm willing to bet that I'm even smarter than an above-average bear.

I mean, those Three Bears seemed smart and everything, what with the using bowls and spoons and chairs and sleeping in beds and stuff, but really - how fucking clever is it to leave your porridge unattended, so any street kid can just walk in and steal it?

That's like leaving your pint of beer unattended - Not very smart at all. Fucking stupid, if you ask me.

I, on the other hand, am at my most smarterest after three beers.

So I decided to do one of those on-line IQ tests to see just how good with the thinking stuff I is.

And it confirmed what I think all of us already knew: The D-Man is Super Cleaver.

According to the very reputable Nigerian Spam & Scams Internet IQ Testing Service, the results from my 50-second multi-choice test were "quite astounding", with my IQ rating of 129 identifying me as being "Superior".

Only 6.7% of the human population possess this level of intellect.

"Your Intellectual Type is Insightful Linguist. This means you are highly intelligent and have the natural fluency of a writer and the visual and spatial strengths of an artist. Those skills contribute to your creative and expressive mind."

Wow.
Insightful Linguist.
And there I was thinking I was just a Cunning Linguist.

Just think what I could have achieved had I not spent so many years trying to kill-off brain cells, like an angry bear chasing a porridge thief who broke his chair and slept in his bed, without even removing their shoes, and then ran away without even saying sorry...

The Nigerians have already been in touch, showering my inbox with congratulations and kind offers for me to give them my credit card details so I can receive a personalized 15-page IQ Report worth $50, where various people with PhDs will document in detailed bullet-point form just how Superior I really am.

Wow.
Be stupid not to, really…