So this is 2006?

I’m still sitting here waiting for that Y2K millennium bug that everyone was talking about a few years back to kick in.
Boy was that thing a good waste of bomb-shelter bricks.

I’ve still got a hundred cans of baked beans sitting on a shelf downstairs.
Just for once I’d like to see a good old fashion New Year’s apocalypse, just so I could get the chance to use them up.
Oh well, maybe next year.

Anyway, it wouldn’t be New Year’s without some lame-ass resolutions.

I never seem to be able to stick to them anyway. Perhaps I’m just a bit too ambitious. Perhaps I always just aim for things that I can never possibly hope to achieve.

So this year I’ve decided to scale things down a little. Be a little bit more realistic.

Here goes:

RESOLUTION #1

Capture Osama Bin Laden.

I think it’s just plain ridiculous that this guy has been able to go running around the mountainside for so long without getting caught. Enough is enough.
As a testament to my deadly ninja skills, I shall catch him using only dental floss, a Road-Runner suit and an Acme anvil.

RESOLUTION #2

Learn how to make custard.

You cannot begin to believe how ridiculous and emasculated I feel having to ask my wife to make me custard because every time I try myself, the custard does not turn to custard. IT DOES NOT TURN TO CUSTARD.
I’ve cooked for royalty but cannot make myself a little dessert. Ridiculous.

RESOLUTION #3

Make up with David Hasselhoff.

OK. Things have been said in the heat of the moment this year, things that were perhaps a little unfair. I’m willing to be the bigger man here and offer to make things right.
Even if he is a dick.

RESOLUTION #4

Post an mp3 of one of my musical recordings on this site.

This is clearly just a joke resolution to see if you were paying attention. I once busked in the Greek Islands and got paid to shut up. Enough said.

RESOLUTION #5

Find God.

I’ve been giving this one some serious thought. I leant my collection of Berlitz German CDs to him about three years ago and he never returned them. I want to track him down and ask what the fuck happened. I just think it’s plain rude, that’s all. You don’t borrow stuff and then never return it. Who do you think you are – Bob Dylan?

RESOLUTION #6

Never lose my temper.

I want to know exactly where that sucker is at all times. Once I was in the shops looking at some shirts and I turned my back for literally five seconds and when I turned back it had gone. It took fifteen heart-stopping minutes before I managed to find it again, riding a tricycle down one of the toy aisles. I learned a useful lesson though. Always keep a close eye on your temper.

RESOLUTION #7

World peas.

I think the whole world can benefit from eating more greens. I’d like to volunteer my time to help the cause.
Just like John Lennon said: “All we are saying is give peas a chance”.
Never a truer word spoken.

RESOLUTION #8

Learn a new language.

I think I’d like to learn English. I hear it’s pretty hard, but a good whack of the world’s population speak it, so it could come in useful.
I supposedly provide English tuition to a Taiwanese teenager once a week, so it would probably help out there as well. How she has gone from someone who couldn’t even write a useful sentence in English when she first started coming to see me three years ago, to someone who is now topping her class and is an impressive creative writer, continues to baffle me. With a capital B.

RESOLUTION #9

Get hit by less cars this year.

I want to save the environment by cycling to work. The Oil Companies consider me a threat to their plans to keep people shackled to their steering wheels, so they have been throwing 18-wheelers and SUVs in my path. I would like to get through 2006 without serious incident. Otherwise I’m buying a fucking Sherman tank. Seriously.
Sherman. Fucking. Tank.

RESOLUTION #10

Be well.

There ain’t no other feeling like feeling great. I’m getting better but I’m a long way from being better. I want my health back. Bitches.

RESOLUTION #11

Be nicer to retards and Mongols.

Just in case my current condition is some Karmic Police payback thing. You never know. However, I reckon it’s OK to make fun of gimpoids at the moment, seeing as I currently am one.

RESOLUTION #14

Learn to count properly.

Maths was never my strong point. I count using my fingers. I use them all the time to punch in keys on a calculator. But if I get arthritis or the batteries go flat, then I’m pretty much fucked.

Well, there we go. Shouldn’t be too hard.