I may have to stop being Batman for a little while.

I just need to face facts, that I while I am in this current state of partially blurred vision, partial deafness and an inability to walk in a straight line, that I might need to take things a little easy.

There was a verbal domestic out on the street, right outside our house the other night. I wanted to go out and kick the shit out of the punk who kept swearing at the top of his voice and was ripping branches off trees and throwing people’s recycle bins around. But I thought otherwise, as I stumbled down the hallway deaf and blind, and realised this was probably a good time to get my retarded ass kicked.

Then I thought about going downstairs and getting the Ruger – the one I normally reserve for hunting white rhinos – and popping a cap in the mo’fo’s ass. But I was worried that my aim might also be affected, and with my luck I would probably end up shooting out one of the tyres on my car. Not that I can drive it at the moment, anyway.

So I went back to sleep. That’s the great thing about being a bit deaf in one ear at the moment. If I sleep on my good ear, domestics and loud parties bother me not. Nor do crying babies.

But all this gimpness has made me worry about the ability to keep one of my New Years resolutions.

The one where I want to capture Bin Laden.

He’s a slippery character at the best of times and he really has a bit of an advantage over me at the moment.

Then I started thinking. If I could just get him to drink a couple of my home brews ales, then he would be stumbling like a retard. And then we’d both be on uneven ground.

But then I remembered that Muslims don’t drink alcohol.

So then I got to thinking: what if I could get some Acme bird seed and soak it in home brew beer, and then leave the bird seed out for him to eat?

Muslims are allowed to eat bird seed, right?

I’d been trying to write a poem conveying the fact that normally around this time of year I’d be all worried about what the weather was going to do, seeing as I’d normally be living in a tent. Normally.

But while everyone has been fretting about rain, I’ve been welcoming it. Bad weather means nothing to me at the moment. Every day is pretty much the same. A little bit of bad weather is actually entertainment to me.

This was the best I could muster:

Ha, ha, rain
You bitch, your
Tears have no hold on me now.

OK, so the hospital check-up was today.

I actually came away feeling pretty positive, despite the clinician using the words “major” and “illness” to describe my condition.

They reckon I’m looking at six months recovery.
There’s a 60-80% chance that the palsy will go completely. They had me do some facial exercises and they said they could actually see the dead side of my face responding in about three places. Which is great.

The neuralgia is giving me a bit of pain at the moment, but it is believed that that is because the nerve is healing. I now have better painkillers. I now only have to take two a day instead of eight. With any luck they will also actually take the pain away, which is something none of the other pills I’ve been taking have succeeded in doing.

The generally crappiness I’m experiencing is probably due to the fact that I am actually still recovering from a serious viral infection. The fact that I was unable to eat anything for seven days would not have helped things. The fact that I have my appetite back in force is the only strong sign I have that I am actually getting better. God I love food.

My hearing seems to be OK, despite the constant hum in my ears. That should/may go in time. I am being booked in for an audiogram to test the hearing. They’re also checking me in for a brain scan as a “routine precaution”. Should be fun.

The clinician seems to think the loss of balance should right itself “shortly”. That would kick ass.

My right eye is in good condition, despite it still not being able to close fully.

The palsy is the most serious thing I’m facing. At the moment I’ll just settle for feeling good again. Vanity can wait.

I have a medical certificate, which gives me the option of being off work for at least another 30 days.

I am currently trying to get in touch with my boss, who is still on holiday, to see what the company can do for me.

So basically, I just need to stay positive. Just like that Christopher Reeves guy.
He was Superman. Then he broke his back and couldn’t move. But he stayed positive and declared to the world that He Would Walk Again.

Then … he died. Hmmm. Bad example. Never mind.

Up, up and away!