Today I have officially been screaming into cyberspace for a year.

“Hey wife! Guess what? It’s my blog birthday!”

“I’m so thrilled for you…”

“So … can I have my birthday bonk now?”

“No. But nice try”.

Goddamnit.

Here’s 151 things you would have learned about me, had you been reading all 151 entries* from day one:

1. I like beer.
2. I like lesbians.
3. A police horse once stole my Guinness.
4. I used to be in a fight club computer club.
5. I don’t like internet spam.
6. I am really, really, like, ridiculously good looking.
7. I’m a liar.
8. I never lie.
9. My dope is shit. No, wait – I mean my shit is dope... whatever translates as “Good’ in gangsta rapper-speak.
10. I find the screening of gay humping monkeys during children TV times morally offensive. If that makes me a homo-monkeyphobe, then sue me.
11. You're all just a bunch of rabid monkeys.
12. Making beer is one of my super powers.
13. David Hasselhoff. Loser.
14. I cycle to work because I care about the planet.
15. I've had so many near-death experiences that my life no longer flashes before my eyes.
16. Many of these were in the past 12 months, whilst cycling to work.
17. I hate motorists.
18. I suffer from Noassatol.
19. I believed that my father could walk on water until I was about 11 years old. Then mum told me that he couldn't. Bastard!
20. I like farm animals.
21. Stupid people do stupid things when they're drunk and stupid.
22. My People tan easy.
23. IT’S A HAIRSTYLE, GODDAMMIT. I CHOOSE TO DO THIS.
24. Laurence Fishburne stole my look for the Matrix.
25. I should really use a mirror when shaving.
26. One day I will level the city of Auckland and build an Ewok village.
27. Sometimes I realise I’ve been walking around for hours with my fly down. Those days tend to be the ones when I have also left the house without putting on underwear.
28. Everyone is stupid, except me.
29. My internal monologue sounds like Cartman.
30. I like paying for things with cash. It makes me feel like a drug lord.
31. I live in a place known as Futureland.
32. I got Punk’d.
33. He who laughs last … better bloody not be ME!
34. I have Amazing Psychicotic Powers.
35. My father used to inseminate cows.
36. I have a bald patch on my chest.
37. I want to win a Darwin Award.
38. I suspect I’m a closet hippy. But I’ll never be a true hippy cos I like showering too much.
39. I don’t wear a wrist watch.
40. My wife wishes I would stop breathing.
41. My daughter will probably be an adult before I get around to finishing the children’s book I wrote for her.
42. I ruined Elton John’s grass.
43. I was cursed by a gypsy.
44. Electronic gadgets and D-Man do not mix.
45. I was the victim of a ass-slap and run whilst cycling.
46. I buy and sell people’s souls.
47. I swallowed petrol.
48. I went a day without alcohol.
49. I insulted retards.
50. Then I became one.
151. Mmmm, lesbians. (x100)

* That’s just a guess. Like I’m actually going to sit there and count them all…!

Celebrities I have insulted in the past blog year:

1. Jennifer Lopez
2. David Hasslehoff
3. Hillary Swank
4. David Hasslehoff
5. Will Smith
6. Michael Jackson
7. David Hasslehoff
8. Macaulay Culkin
9. Russell Crowe
10. David Hasslehoff
11. Tom Cruise
12. Mel Gibson
13. David Hasslehoff
14. Alanis Morissette
15. Elton John
16. David Hasslehoff
17. Jessica Simpson
18. Ashley Simpson
19. Paris Hilton
20. Lee Tamahori
21. David Hasslehoff

The other night I saw The Cell.

It’s a Jennifer Lopez movie.

I really liked it and thought her acting was good.

I think this means I’m still very, very ill.

But I go back to work on Monday...