I caught up with some friends on the weekend.
Some crazy chink friends.

Chinks, because they are immigrants from Chinkyland.

Crazy, because anyone who can drink me under the table has to be, right?
Goddamn, even the women...

Sort of helps explain why China is the biggest consumer of beer in the world though, I guess.

Or maybe it has something to do with the way they have a toast every five freakin minutes.

They have two ways of toasting.

The first, “he ba”, is a simple one, similar to “cheers” where you clink glasses and then take a swig to complete the toast.

Then there’s “gum bae!”.
This is where you are expected to drain the entire contents of your vessel, no matter how full it is.

This seems to be the preferred option.

They don’t even seem to be toasting to anything in particular though, other than, well, getting toasted.

Ugh, and then they bring out that 80% proof shit.

Ugh.

But I love catching up with them.

The meals last all night.

And I love hearing about their encounters with white people.

One, whose last name is Hu, recounted a conversation her daughter had with someone at school:

“What’s your mother’s last name?”

“Hu.”

“Your mother.”

“Hu.”

“Yes. Who is your mother?”

“Yes. Hu is my mother.”

“No! WHO. IS. YOUR. MOTHER?”

“HU. IS. MY. MOTHER.”

“YES. WHAT IS YOUR MOTHER’S NAME?!”

“HU!!!”

“AAARRRGGGHHH!!!! You people should be made to learn to speak English properly before being allowed into the country!”

To which my friend’s daughter replied:

“Yo mama!”

Well I found it funny.

I suggested she also start up a The Who covers band, but call it The Hu.
That would be cool.

The very first Chinese words I ever learned were “ma” & “fin”.

The Chinese friend I used to work with would order a muffin from the work cafeteria every morning and then sit down and giggle while eating it.

I asked him why.

“Because mafin means horseshit in Chinese. I am eating horseshit. Heheheheheeeee…”

That came in handy when I was travelling through Ireland. Of all places.

After “ma” and “fin”, I decided to learn a little more and got to the point where I could understand the dirty jokes at Chinese parties.

But then I went overseas and pretty much forgot everything I learned, which is standard with me and the 92 languages I’ve wasted my time learning in my life.

Anyway … when I was in Ireland, a father and son, and the father’s brother were travelling on the same tour bus as me.

At a rest stop at a farm, the boy came up and pointed to a horse and went “ma”. I pointed to the poo underneath the horse and said “fin”. The boy gave me a shocked look and ran off to tell his father and uncle. Who burst out laughing.

The language started to come back over the next few days of travelling with them, which was cool.

But Chinese is one of those languages where you have to get the pronunciation exactly right or you will end up saying something completely different.

For example…

One morning on that trip I got up and headed for the hostel bathroom.
The Chinese guys were already there, brushing their teeth at the basins.

As I headed for a stall I said “Zao”, which is “good morning”.

The three of them spat toothpaste all over the mirror as they burst out laughing.

Well that was weird, I thought. Must be a Chinese thing.

It wasn’t until much later that I realised I had mispronounced the word and it in fact came out as “Sao”.

Which means “to urinate”.

Oh well.

Shit.
Piss.

There ain’t much more that you need to learn in a foreign language, anyway.

Or English for that matter.