”The Queen's English was
Good enough for Jesus Christ
And it's good enough for me…”
Praise the Lord, I finally found Him.
This means I get to cross yet another task off my New Year’s Resolutions list.
“RESOLUTION #5
Find God.
I’ve been giving this one some serious thought. I leant my collection of German CDs to him about three years ago and he never returned them. I want to track him down and ask what the fuck happened. I just think it’s plain rude, that’s all. You don’t borrow stuff and then never return it. Who do you think you are – Bob Dylan? “
Well, technically, I found his son. But according to that crazy guy who thrust a pamphlet into my hand as I passed him in the street, that’s the same difference.
God can apparently also be something known as a “Holy Goat”.
Which worries me, because there was a time when I used to hunt goats.
I was a pretty good shot with a rifle, and deadly with a sharpened slice of kiwifruit.
But then a little bit of conscience grew inside of me and I never hunted a non-endangered species ever again.
I hope my goat-killing past doesn’t count against me on Judgement Day.
Although the wrath of animal activists is probably every bit as bad as anything an omnipotent Holy Goat can dish out…
Anyway, so Jesus popped in, apologised for his dad having had the book for so long. Said that He’d been busy with Stuff and simply forgot about it.
He offered me another book, to make up for the inconvenience caused, but I declined, seeing as I already knew the ending. I said I’d be interested though, if they ever finally got round to writing a sequel. Perhaps it could include a chapter on Leonardo Da Vinci...?
I’m sure you’re all eager to know what Jesus looked like.
I’d draw a picture of the encounter, but I’m scared someone will get offended and torch my embassy. Or ember my assy.
I can tell you this though – he wasn’t white.
Sorry if that offends my KKK readers.
Also, it’s only just occurred to me now – why does God even need to learn German? Isn’t English the official language of Heaven?
Those fucking Germans. First they lose one world war and don’t have to learn English. Then they lose another war and still don’t have to learn English. I thought that was the deal!
Trust God to forgive them.
Also, dude! – What’s up with all the freakin peanut butter stains throughout the book? They weren’t there when I loaned it to you.
Rude.
D-Missus: “You’ve made a mistake on your Census paper. You spelled ‘Agnostic’ wrong under the religion question…”
D-Man: “No, it’s correct. I’ve given up the way of the Jedi Knight and converted to Antagonosticism.”
D-Missus: “What the hell is that?”
D-Man: “It’s where you believe in winding people up by disagreeing with everything anyone ever says. Because no one can possibly know anything about anything for certain. Except me. I’m great”.
D-Missus: “Someday Satan is going to have so much fun with your scrawny white ass…”
Hey.
Don’t persecute me for my beliefs.
I’ll burn your fucking embassy down.
You know I’ll do it.
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