One of my daughters puts her hands over her ears whenever I try singing her a song.

The other one keeps sticking her fingers up my nose whenever I fall asleep on the couch.

And my wife –

She insists that I put a paper bag over my head whenever we have sex.

Sometimes a ninja can’t get any respect.

I’ve discovered that sitting outside your house with a Samurai sword waiting for car thieves to return is far too time-consuming.

So I’ve gone the cheat’s route and simply rigged my car with explosives.

The only question left to consider is whether I should give my wife the disarm code.

Vote now.

Last night I won a hundred million dollars following a shake-hands-bet with a friend over a music trivia disagreement involving Dave Grohl and a Tenacious-D video.

I hope the cheque doesn’t bounce.

Cos I’ve sorta already called work and told them to stick their job…