We don’t celebrate Thanksgiving Day down here.

But we do have turkeys.

Turkeys come from America.

They came here from America seeking alleged weapons of mass destruction.

They didn’t find any, but by time they’d found out that there was none to find, they’d already made a mess of the political landscape, so they sorta had to stay.

They are messy birds.

Strangely enough, there are no turkeys in Turkey.

I went there and didn’t see any with my own eyes.
Lots of carpet salesmen and camels, but, nope, no turkeys.

This one Turkish guy tried trading his girlfriend for my wife.

I didn’t think that was very fair, seeing as my wife came with official paperwork to prove she was mine, but a girlfriend – well, there was no proof that she was in fact his girlfriend.

So he offered me a few camels instead.
I wanted 12, but he would only go as high as 8, so that deal fell through.

I forgot to ask why there were no turkeys though.

I used to sell them to a cattery.
Turkeys, I mean. Not Turks.
I’d have to hunt them, kill them, pluck them. And I got $20 a bird. And then the cattery roasted them up and fed them to the cats.

Roast turkey!
Those fucking cats ate better than me!

All I got growing up was boiled vegetables.
And my parents used to wonder why they had such a battle on their hands at dinner time.

It’s true what they say – there are two things you need to know about war:

1. Never invade Russia during the winter.
2. You can’t win a food war.

I have been hungry in Hungary though.

And I killed a guy named Kenny in Kilkenny.

Was I going somewhere with all of this?

I’m not sure anymore.

But I can tell you that I have a bottle of Corona in my hand and I’ve been running around the place singing “My-my-my-myyyy, Corona!”

I guess you had to be here.

How I wish, how I wish…

Insert air guitar solo.

Oh, yeah … Thanksgiving.

I’ll be thankful if the mega-giant iceberg, that broke off from Antarctica and is heading this way, melts before it crashes into my country.

We sent a navy frigate, HMNZ Titanic, out to investigate a few days ago, but we haven’t heard back yet.

Very strange.

I hope it’s not the start of some Eskimo invasion!

Ummm… Happy Thanksgiving to those celebrating.

Spare a thought for the turkeys.

Happy Friday to everyone else. And if it’s not Friday in your land yet, then you need to stop living in the past, man.

My-my-my-myyyy, Corona!”