This morning I joked to my boss that I was already on holiday.

That my brain was at the beach. My mind was sucking back margaritas.

She thought I was being serious and said that so long as I did just an hour’s work a day this week, that that would be OK.

WTF?

AN HOUR A DAY?

That’s more Actual Work than I currently do!

She wants me to work even harder, on this, my last week of work before the summer holidays?

Ridiculous.

I just had a good laugh.

One of my colleagues was rewiring his house on the weekend and he was up in the ceiling when a beam he was leaning on snapped.

He fell headfirst through the ceiling and into his bathtub, which he smacked his head on and knocked himself out. He so nearly killed himself.

Classic.

Baby Ginge’s first birthday went well.

She was cute and smiling, except for when everyone was singing Happy Birthday to her, and I guess she was wondering why everyone was yelling at her and she started screaming and crying.

So cute.

It was meant to rain all day, but there was actually brilliant sunshine until the guests were leaving.

Then it rained so hard that I saw my neighbour, Noah, running towards this real big boat that the crazy fuck has spent the past year building in his back yard.

I’ve always wondered about him and all those farm animals…

At the party, my mum told me that she is going to Massage College next year.

My dad jumped in with a “Yes, son. Your mother is going to learn how to get paid for touching people. She’s going to be a whore.”

I don’t know what was funnier: My mother’s reaction, or my father’s when mum smacked him across the back of the head with a jandal.

Classic.

She’s going on about how she’ll be able to give everyone professional massages soon.

That scares me. I really don’t think I want my mother touching me at all.

It’s creepy enough that I married a redhead…

My brother told me that an old friend of ours has just had both his testicles chopped off.

He found a lump about 8 months ago, but did not go to the doctor, despite my brother urging him to do so many times.

Now he’s got cancer, is undergoing chemo, and has just earned himself a new nickname:

Nick No-Nuts.

Men are so stupid.

Cool nickname, though.

I went to the doctor this afternoon, after much nagging from D-Missus, to make sure the fatigue I’ve been experiencing over the past 10 days is not going to ruin her summer holidays.
He said I seem fine.

I got him to write a note for D-Missus saying that, in his professional opinion, he believed I was faking being sick just to piss her off.

She was not amused.

I guess that’s the thing about December 17.

It not only marks the birth of my beautiful daughter, but also the onslaught of the D-Sease .

I told the doctor that I thought I was 90-something percent healed.

It’s only in the past month that I’ve noticed myself using my right ear for phone calls. Which is great, considering the hospital hearing test I did earlier in the year said I’d suffered 20-30db hearing loss.

The doctor said it might still take another six months. But if this is as good as it gets, I’m happy. At least I’m not a dribbling retard. Anymore.

D-Girl was watching the music channel when she got excited and pointed at the TV.

“Look daddy, it’s you!”

On the TV was Kanye West, a rapper. He’s also black.

I was intrigued.

“Why do you think that’s me, honey?”

“He has no hair. Just like you!”

I love how kids don’t learn about racial differences until they get older and start attending their first KKK meetings.

D-girl’s drawing abilities are getting impressive.

She likes drawing pictures of her family.

She keeps drawing me with long rock-star hair.

She knows this makes me happy.

She always draws herself last. And when she does, she makes herself bigger than everybody else.

“Look daddy, I’m even taller than you!’

Ego starts young in my family.

We painted the house on Saturday.

D-Girl helped.

Sort of.

She got a bit of paint on my car.

I jokingly yelled out “I TOLD YOU TO PAINT THE PORCH, NOT THE PORSCHE!”

An old joke. She didn’t really get it.

Maybe it would have been funnier if it really was a Porsche.

Actually… no it wouldn’t.