I was having a few home brews yesterday afternoon with my cousin and my cousin's friend, and at some point the topic steered away from whether the Government should be allowed to tell people that they can't beat their kids with wooden spoons and belts, and we instead got to talking about Jesus, and how the church always goes on the offensive this time of the year in getting people to think about Jesus (it's His birthday, or something) when they were missing a prime opportunity to easily get people onside and thinking about His Lordship, while simultaneously enjoying a chocolate high.

The answer is simple:

Jesus Easter Eggs.

That's fucking brilliant, right?

We should be in marketing. Or something.

NZ gets a four-day-weekend for Easter. Unlike some countries that clearly don't care about God the way we do.

Some also – unbelievably – don't even mention God in their national anthem!

But that's OK. Their names will be omitted from the Book of Life, and their souls cast into the lake of fire.

Anyway: Four Day Weekend!

Praise Jeebus.

I'm honoring the occasion with a little Sunday Psycho Sermon. I normally perform these on drunken street corners.

I like to think of them as cool little things to say when you blow sinners away.

Quentin Tarantino stole this idea for his movie, Pulp Fiction.

I don't speak to him anymore.

Click here to enter the D-Man Worshippers' Church and hear the sermon.

It's from the book of Matthew.

All this talk about Jesus has got me thinking about a movie script I once submitted.

It's about this mystic order of builders who are searching for the holy nail that was driven into Jesus the Jew when he was attached to a cross.

The building society believes that whosoever possesses the nail will gain magical powers that will allow them to drive nails into wood with just one hit, just like Mr. Miyagi in the Karate Kid.

But then another clandestine organization, known as the Scienceotolorgyists, are even more desperate to find the holy nail first, because they hope to extract some DNA from the blood on the nail to prove that Jesus was actually an alien, and then they want to clone that alien.

I don't want to give too much away, but the drawing Leonard DiCaprio did in the Titanic is significant in revealing the holy artifact's location.

If you're reading Hollywood, I'm still waiting for your call…

My cousin's wife just had another son.

The fact that he keeps producing sons while I seem only capable of siring daughters was noted.

My cousin's friend suggested that if that trend continues… seeing as we are Double Cousins which means we share the same genetic link that brothers do … that we should simply swap wives for the night.

Two fucking brilliant ideas from one Home Brew session!

And to think that some people out there still doubt the amazing power of alcohol…

Testify.