I found myself going to the toilet in an Irish bar at the end of a night of whiskey on the weekend.

We were let out because it was D-Missus' sister's engagement party, which was held at a swanky champagne bar in the city, where the cheapest drinks were $10 a pop, which we endured for five hours until we got sick of the House Music, which I'm not sure why they call it House Music, because it's not the sort of music I'd have in my house, but that's beside the point.

Anyway. After five hours of that, we escaped with D-Missus' brother and his girlfriend to an Irish bar just two pubs over, where there was a great live covers band, a lot of people and four drinks cost us $10 all up. Rock. On.

So then after a couple of rounds of that, I needed to go for a slash.

D-Missus' brother needed to go for a piss as well, but then this chick came into the toilet because the queue for the ladies was, like, real long. D-Missus' brother freaked out that there was a girl in the men's toilet and cut his slash at the urinal short and got out of there, pronto. Which is a little weird because earlier in the night at the other pub he'd mistakenly ended up in the women's toilet block, but didn't realize it was the women's toilet block until he noticed the sanitary disposal bin next to the toilet he was using and then he freaked out and got out of there, but of course he forgot to put the toilet seat down, which must have played with the mind of the next woman to use the cubicle.

And the next thing I knew there were five chicks in the toilet with me, because the queues for the ladies was, like, real long, and then I realized that they were all watching me go for a slash and I must have been, like, drunk or something, because I was totally comfortable with it.

And then we had an orgy.

I think. I was like drunk or something, so I may have just fantasized that bit. OK, so I did fantasize that bit.

But anyway. Trying to get back through the crowd, I remembered why I loved looking like a giant thuggish brute, because people do tend to clear a path for you.

Then D-Missus had to go to the ladies. The queue for the ladies was, like, real long, but she held on, because guys are messy pissers, even when sober, so why the fuck would she “want to use their drunken messy piss toilet?”

On the way back, there was a guy struggling to get through the crowd, because he didn't look like a giant thuggish brute, so she pushed in front of him (because guys do get out of the way if it's a lady trying to get through) and then she grabbed his hand and dragged him along with her, securing his freedom, then letting him go once they'd cleared the crowd. Geez. What a slut.

Then D-Missus' brother had to go back for a slash, because his previous attempt had been cut prematurely short.

He reckoned he had an orgy as well, but I reckon he was just saying that to look cool.

Anyway. That was the latest night we'd had out in… forever. And ever.

I didn't even know such a thing as 3am existed!

I think I'm getting old. So very, very old.