I got a new cellphone.

I don’t especially like txt messaging, but part of the reason I don’t especially like txt messaging is that the letters and numbers wore off of my buttons years ago, so composing a message used to take me some time, which was somewhat annoying.

For example:

Friend: “Hay, do u wnt2 ctch up tnght?”

D-Man: “Why … yes … that … would … be … rather … excellent.”

Friend: “Dude! I snt that lst week! WTF?”

D-Man: “Sorry. It … took … me … that … long … to … work 0ut… where … all … the… fucking…. buttons … were.”

Friend: “Dude! Get a nu fone. Apes hve tken ovR planit since I lst asked WTF?, & even they can txt mssge, you reetRd!”

D-Man: “At ….least ….I ….don’t ….spell …like …a …retard.”

And my phone has, like, this camera thing in it. Which is cool, because my old phone didn’t have one, but I always felt like such a loser without a camera inside my phone, when everyone else has had one for years, so I would just go around holding my crappy old worn button piece of shit out at arms length and then making a click noise just to make people think that I had a camera phone. But I didn’t really.

At least now when I’m in the women’s toilets going “click”, the chicks have a reason to be afraid…