Dear Maddison House Storage Concepts,
makers of the Kansas ventilated wardrobe organiser:

Fuck You!!!!

Congratulations on becoming the new winner of the prize for the world’s most unintelligible assembly instructions.

Your prize is a big, fat

Fuck You!!!!

I spent all day in the wardrobe assembling your overpriced shit. I was short several essential anchoring screws, despite your instructions saying I had the exact number. I was left with several unusual-looking parts that your instructions didn’t mention at all.

It is also, I might add, impossible to assemble as the photo on the front of the box depicts it as supposed to be looking once finished and fully assembled.

Fuck You!!!!

I spent most of my Sunday (God’s day off, you know) in that wardrobe. Swearing. Had I been able to find any contact details for you, I would have spent the rest of my day swearing at you. But your instructions don’t carry any contact details. And Google has never heard of you. I bet no one in Kansas has ever heard of you, either. Or in Madison, for that matter.

You’re in fucking China, aren’t you. You’re sitting there in fucking China fucking laughing at me, aren’t you?

Yours,

D- Fuck You!!!!

I’ve written three new songs in the past fortnight.

Here they are, if you’re interested.

That last one was taken from a very long, but excellent sheet of lyrics that New Guy wrote, but has been too lazy to finish as a band song. I decided to take the piss by taking bits of his song and writing some new verses and choruses and changing the tone somewhat.
The idea was to say, hey fucker, finish your song or I’ll steal it and put it on a solo album. I didn’t actually intend to make a worktape out of it, but then a melody got stuck in my head and wouldn’t leave me alone, so I added some chords and there it is.

New Guy is still feeling lazy about that though.

But there’s two of my songs that we actually may work on with Genius Dude at a beach house over New Years. So that’s something to look forward to.

I think I have to stop calling New Guy “New Guy” on this blog.
Because, he’s been working at my company for a year now, so he’s not really a newb anymore.

But it also makes it sound like he’s the New Guy in my life. Which is kinda gay.

So maybe I’ll just start calling him my Boy (but not in a gay way) Friend. Or something.

And when I finally finished installing the wardrobe organiser and went down late for dinner, D-Missues turned to the girls and said “Oh look, daddy’s finally come out of the closet”.

Looking back, it was a very funny remark. For her.

But at the time, I just wanted to reply: Fuck You!!!

(And I still have two more wardrobes to go.)

Gah!