My friend thinks I’m a communist, because I’m learning to speak Chinese.

I guess it’s sort of true. I do want to start a cultural revolution. Shake things up a little. Crank it up fuckers!

I also want to go to China and learn everything there is to know about tea. And beat up some Tibetan monks. And harvest people’s organs while they sit meditating.

But really. I know fuck all about socialism.

But I am a fan of socialisingism.

So while the rest of the world is busy trying to stamp out the Olympic Flame and spit in China’s eye, what does New Zealand do?

Signs a Free Trade Deal with the Chinese.

Does this mean we get our sneakers even cheaper?
That would be cool.

Viva la Revolution!

The Chinese are weird.

The other night I learned that the reason they love the number eight (pronounced “baa”) so much is that it rhymes with “fa fa fa” which apparently translates as “get rich quickly”.

That’s some fucking weird word association.

Anyway, it gave me an idea to get rich quick.

If I can convince my band to do a cover of Talking Head’s “Psycho Killer” song, we could tour China.

Cos that song’s got that bit that goes “fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa fa far…”

Those crazy chinks’ll eat it up, for sure!

Yeah.

OK, this is a pleasant story.

My neighbours are Chinese. Or from Taiwan and Hong Kong. Same diff.

From our second story we can see into their back yard. And they have all these softdrink bottles lined up, with some sort of liquid in them.

We’ve been intrigued for some time. We figured it was fertiliser for the garden.

We were right. Sort of.

I was around at my Chinese friend’s new house and he was showing me his garden. I saw some softdrink bottles that looked similar to our neighbours’.

So I asked what it was.

“Ummmm….”

“Why? What is it?”

“Ummmm…”

“Seriously. I want to know.”

“It’s …. Ummmm… let’s say it’s … ummmm… fertiliser.”

“Oh…. You mean it’s piss, don’t you?”

“Yyyyessss.”

“Dude! You collect your own piss to put on your plants?!”

“Yyyyessss.”

“Dude!”

At least they don’t drink it. I think.

He reckons it’s a traditional Chinese way of fertilising plants. Piss in a bottle. Let it…. ferment.

Crazy, crazy chinks.

Dude!

I keep two drink bottles on my desk at work.
One is for drinking water. The other contains liquid feed, for my plants.

After months of these two drink bottles sitting on my desk without incident, guess what finally happened?

Yes. That’s right. Incident happened. It was inevitable I guess. If you’re stupid enough to leave two drink bottles side by side, one containing water, the other containing liquid fertiliser, sooner or later you’re going to be stupid enough to grab the one that isn’t water.

Yuck.

Oh well. Could have been worse. Could have been a bottle of urine…